Mr Gerald trying to roll himself into a ball.

Gerald in his new clothes (that is supposed to be for a one year old). Haha and he fit in just nicely

Brought Gerald to Orchard Road today. It is the longest time we ever stayed at one destination with Gerald in tow. Went out around 1.30 and stayed there till 8 or 9pm. And we only walked from Forum Shopping Centre till Orchard Central.

Gerald is starting to play with toys. Brought him to Taka and i took a bear and put it in front of him and he kept laughing, squeaking and giggling at it. It is a really happy laugh and it is perhaps the first time i see him laugh without having to tickle him or talk to him in funny languages. Wanted to buy it for him but the soft toy costs 80 bucks! Just a normal fluffy soft toy. Didnt take a pic of it. This boy really know how to choose. We brought him around the store and no other toys managed to do the trick. Never mind he will start putting it into his mouth anyway. He is putting everything into his mouth!

Quite happy with the trip and i think Gerald had fun exploring Orchard too. Amazed at all the lights and everything that is going on around him. I predict there will be more of such trips in the future.

I was reading the Oct issue of Mother and Baby and there was this article "My baby was born with a hideous birthmark". The story is about this mother who was shocked when her daughter was born with a port-wine stain.

The first paragraph said

My first reaction whe I saw my dauughter after 39 hours of labour was shock. I was expecting to gaze at a beautiful little face but instead my baby had a huge dark purple mark covering her eye and most of the left side of her face

That got me thinking of the very day Gerald was born. When I am pregnant with him, I kept dreaming horrible dreams about my baby being born with problems.. disabled, scarred etc.. horrible dreams that got me waking up in shock at night and it basically haunted me for the remaining days of my pregnancy.. I didnt know what to expect.. especially when none of the scans managed to get a good view of Gerald face... even though the doctor said it's normal.. but I kept telling myself.. that's just the appearance.. what if.. I guess I was just preparing myself for the worst just in case...

When I regained conscious after the operation (I cant do a half body C-Section because I cannot have epidural due to my scoliosis, so I ended up doing a full un-consicious C-section operation), the first thing I asked the nurse was "how's my baby". But the nurse said she didn't get to see my baby.. and when they wheeled me out and when I saw Rick, I anxiously asked "how's the baby". And only when he told me he is okay.. only when I saw his picture on Rick's mobile phone.. then I finally felt a sign of relief... I have given birth to a beautiful looking baby...even though we haven't done the hearing test as of yet.. When I finally got to see Gerald face to face.. I was thanking God that none of the dreams came through..

No one is born to know how to be a mum. It is something that you have to experience and learn as you go along.

I was almost on the brink of falling into post natal depression when Gerald was born, being weighed down by the guilt of not being able to take care of him physically from the beginning, the guilt of not being able to breast feed him and the disappointment of not having enough support for me to continue to breast feed. I was very emotional and crying over every little things and staying away from Gerald just in case my depression got the better of me.

Being a new mother i didnt know what to expect. I have high expectations for myself being some one who has a very strong character. I thought things will go the way i thought and wanted it to. To realise nothing went the way i thought. And i just got angry. Angry that no one is saying things i want to hear, doing things the way i want to be done.

Thinking back now, everyone just want the best for gerald and me. I am glad i didnt do anything stupid. I still feel guilty for not being able to breast feed Gerald till now. But that cannot be changed. Slowly i will become better because i just want the best for my baby.

Now whenever i see babies outside, the first question i feel like asking is 'how many months?' And i think i am not the only mother out there who have this burning question in mind because i see others asking it too! Haha

We brought Gerald to Rick cousin ROM and there was another baby there. His size is much smaller than Gerald even though he can pretty much sit unsupported. I thought he is younger than Gerald. Turned out he is 6 months old. Haha

Just saw another baby with his father on the train. Really wanted to ask him that question because the baby seem to be around the same age as Gerald. Maybe slightly older as the baby can stretch out the hands and request to be carried. Gerald only reached out his hands to grab stuffs. But they are too far away from me so i didnt ask in the end. Disappointed.